Please Come Home Soon..

 "I wonder, I pray

I sleep alone

I cry alone

And it's so hard living here on my own...

I walk alone

I try alone

I'll wait for you

Don't want to die alone

So please come home soon"

      Words any Military significant other or family member can relate with. This song, "Come Home Soon" by Shedaisy, gets me through a lot of days. They say, and by they, I honestly have no idea who, that being a Military wife is one of the hardest jobs there is. I was up for the challenge but didn't know how hard it really would be until he deployed on December 11, 2011. Here we are, almost eight months in, and it's still as hard as it was the day he left. I can honestly say this is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I know at only 21 years of age, some of you may say i'm still young and have plenty of trials and tribulations headed my way in the years to come. And I agree, but once we make it through this deployment, I'll know I have the strength to get through anything God throws at me. 

      Now in the beginning, I believe I did pretty well. I surrounded myself with family and friends, even got myself a puppy. I even did pretty good for not hearing from him for a while, while he was getting where he needed to be and getting settled in. Christmas wasn't the best I'd ever had, but I made it through. I was bummed when New Year's came around and I finally had someone to kiss at midnight, except he was halfway around the world. When my birthday came around, all I wanted was a call from him, which I got, and my day was complete! By the next month though, and this was three months in, I had fallen into a slump. I couldn't get myself to get out of bed in the morning. And I don't mean just because I was tired and didn't want to get up, I mean I was awake and had no desire to get up and do anything at all. I missed an entire week of classes..the week after spring break... I missed half of the next week and finally went to three classes for the rest of the semester. I ended up only passing those three classes, out of six. Once classes were over, it was time to really start cracking down on the wedding plans, which was June 9th. With the help of my cousin and maid of honor, Lindsay, I began to consume myself with wedding todo's and decisions to make, and believe me, for only having less than a month left, there were a lot of decisions still to make. (I'm kind of a procrastinator, and every time I would try, I would just get overwhelmed.) Before I knew it, it was time for him to come home on R&R and I found myself cleaning my house like a mad woman preparing for his arrival. Cleaning toilets, mopping floors, making beds, even giving the dogs baths. Baby Clyde needed to smell and look nice for his daddy since it was the first time they met. 

      When I got the call from him telling me when he would be landing it was a mad and exciting dash for the airport. The whole drive I wondered what I would do or say when I first met him. Surprisingly I got to the airport fast, maybe too fast. I didn't know if I was quite prepared for our first reunion after 6 months. So I sat in the cell phone lot until I saw a plane fly over that I presumed was his. About ready to pee my pants, I made my way into the airport baggage claim. I quickly found a restroom, checked my appearance in the mirror and headed to the waiting area with the rest of the individuals patiently awaiting the arrival of their loved ones and friends. I still didn't know what to do or think. I wasn't sure if I should sit or stand, was I going to cry when I saw him, would I be nervous or would it feel like it was just yesterday when we were last together? What would his reaction be? As the passengers began walking out of the terminal area my nerves went crazy and my heart began to race. I began to nervously look for him, trying to bend my vision around the wall separating where I was sitting and where he would walk in. It seemed like forever, like there couldn't possibly be that many people on the plane, it seemed as though the line of people would never end and he was at the end of the never ending line. Finally, there he was! My mind went completely blank, I jumped up and calmly, but quickly, walked to him and finally wrapped my arms around him. I buried my face into his chest and when he tried to pull away and I wouldn't let go, he asked if I was crying. I managed to get out, "Well I wasn't," as tears began to roll down my cheeks. It felt so good to have his arms around me again and to be able to wrap mine around him, I didn't want to let go. 

    The next few days were great and it felt as though he had never even been gone. I called the caterers the day before the wedding to check on things and found out we had lost them. This was my breakdown moment. Lance came in and wrapped his arms around me and told me it was going to be ok. Let me tell you, it's truly a blessing to have someone in your life who makes you feel better just by taking you in their arms and saying five little words. So off to Sam's Club we went! Luckily, we have amazing family and friends who stayed up late the night before the wedding to put together an incredible spread for our guests to feast on. The upside? We saved $200 by not using the caterers! Although, we will forever be in debt to those crazy folks who helped us pull it off, but they aren't a bad group to owe one to :). The wedding went off without a hitch and his R&R was over before we knew it. 

       Now, I knew from the beginning of this whole thing, that saying goodbye after his R&R would be the hardest part of all. Boy oh boy, why did I have to be right? I cried myself to sleep the night before he left and when we went to leave for the airport I choked back tears and had to turn away and quickly ask if my sunburn was peeling so he wouldn't know why I really turned away. We went and had lunch in silence, and rarely spoke on the long drive to Tulsa. We rolled up to the airport, it was the moment we both dreaded, it was time to say goodbye. We both held it together surprisingly well as we hugged for the last time for another 5 months. He walked into the airport and as he walked by the window where I was still sitting in my car, he turned and waved goodbye. I lost it. I cried the whole way home as the image of him waving goodbye flashed over and over in my mind. The closer to home I got, the thought of having to go back without him hit harder and harder. As I turned onto my street and saw my house, I began to sob uncontrollably. I made my way into the house and went straight to my bed and cuddled with the clothes he'd left on my bed. I slept with those clothes for the next couple weeks until his smell had finally faded. I found myself in that same slump I had been in back in March. I couldn't sleep, I didn't really have an appetite, and I was at least an hour late to my babysitting job everyday. I'm out of that slump now, I honestly don't know what it was that got me past it. Maybe it was the thought that I've done this before and that I have less time left this time around. Everyday is closer to him coming home to me for good. I'm used to this deployment now, although it still scares the hell out of me. It's still as hard as it was at the beginning, but i've learned ways to deal with it, and I get to hear from him almost daily. I just pray that he comes home to me safely and that that image of him waving goodbye isn't the last I see of him. 

     Kudos to the military spouses and families who go through more than one of these dreaded deployments. I thank God that this is our one and only. I just want to sleep next to him again. I can't wait to wrap my arms around you again, baby. See you soon, my love. 

Don't forget to smile Lancer,

Kylee :)

Long Time No See

I know it's been almost a year since my last post, but I have recently been inspired to start writing again. So, I'm going to try to write more, maybe once a week if I can. I just have to be inspired, have something to write. But for those of you who gave me such great feedback when I started this blog, this one is for you. And thanks for reading and enjoying my thoughts.


I believe my last post was about a guy that I had just started dating.. and oh man has a lot happened since then!

So since so much has happened, I think I'll just put it all in order, at least mostly in order.
That special guy and I really hit it off when I went and visited him in Seattle. We had a blast. I'm sure most of you know this already though lol. We have continued to date since then, but this summer we found out he would be deploying to Afghanistan. (In case you forgot, he's in the Army.) We knew already we wanted to get married, to each other of course, so we decided when he came home on his mid-tour leave in June, we would get hitched. I immediately started thinking about things for the wedding and had already asked all of my bridal party if they would like to be in my wedding. More on that later...
He did the same and when he came home for leave in November we had lots to do. Within a few weeks we got officially engaged (and by officially I mean he got down on one knee and popped the question, the way it's supposed to be done), we got our engagement pictures done, picked out cake flavors and designed the cake, met with the pastor, got him fitted for a tux, and even registered for our wedding gifts. It was a lot to get done, but somehow we managed, and that's even between spending time with BOTH of our families. Did I mention my family absolutely loves him and is super excited to welcome into the family? Oh and just so you don't think otherwise, I absolutely love his family as well. I'll be getting a little brother and sisters, which I've always wanted. And his mom and dad are great too. Since I've spent time with him and his family, the Chicago Bear fanatics have almost converted me to a fan of "da bears."
Moving on.... Since all of this, Lance, the special guy who's name I don't believe I've mentioned, has deployed to Afghanistan. I think we're both taking it as well as we can, we each have things we need to focus on more than being sad all the time. We get to talk at least every few days so it isn't really too bad. And considering our entire relationship, with the exception of a couple of months total, has been long distance anyway. The only difference is not being able to text all day and talk and skype/facetime for hours each night. So it has been hard, not knowing what he's doing, where he is, if he's ok, when I'll get to talk to him again. But what can you do, besides try to keep busy and keep your mind occupied? You can't help the thoughts that come into your mind, they are always there, so I face the facts, say a prayer and move on with my day hoping maybe I'll get to hear his voice soon.
Ok so to go back a little, between visiting Lance in Seattle and him deploying, I started school in August. I enjoy it for the most part, with the exception of a few things, but there will always be something. I'm pretty proud of myself for trying to better my life and hey, I even made the dean's list. Only one from the giant town of Alba! If you know Alba, you know that's a joke... But back to everything that has happened.. I found out I'm going to be an aunt again, which is exciting because I love seeing precious little babies. And speaking of my sister, I know I didn't really mention her but in a way I did because she's my only sibling so the only way I can be an aunt again is through her, I had originally asked her to be my maid of honor for the wedding. I thought it was only fair because I was her maid of honor for her wedding, a marriage which didn't turn out to last too long..sorry Andy... Well a few weeks ago Kristin and I got into an argument because I was trying to give her a suggestion on what she should do to get her priorities in order (trying to make it seem nicer than I really was about it) and she got an attitude and told me to "f*** off." So that was it and I told her she wasn't my maid of honor anymore and asked my cousin Lindsay's to do the honors instead. Which has already proved to be a better decision since she is already planning my bachelorette party (oh boy...).

So I think that pretty much sums up everything that has happened with me in the past 10 months in a nutshell. All I can do now is be patient for the next 129 days for my groom to come home. Hope it wasn't too crazy to read. Be looking for more posts!

Until next time, don't forget to smile,,
Kylee :)