It's odd to think that, since I was so full of crazy dreams growing up, but I think that's just what happened.. I grew up. I guess I realized those dreams really were crazy and I needed to focus on the now. Get a job, pay bills, be responsible. It's also sad to think about. I was so happy when I was full of that hunger, that drive and ambition to be someone, to show the world what I'm made of.
When I fell in love, my dream of being a Country singer got put on the back burner, then eventually got cold and thrown away. These days, I can't even sit and play my guitar for longer than ten minutes, let alone write a song. I started to go to school to be a personal trainer, it took me two years after high school to decide it's what I wanted to do. At the beginning of my second semester, Dr. Hobbs told our class a story from when she was teaching an online fitness class and getting an email from a female student. The email said something along the lines of, "I am overweight and haven't left my home in [so many] years." I remember Dr. Hobbs telling us that at the bottom of the email, the student wrote, "Please help me." I remember getting chills at that moment. Dr. Hobbs went on to tell us what she told the student to do and kept working with her throughout the rest of the semester. She then told us she got an email at the end of the semester from that student that said, "I went outside today... Thank you for changing my life." That was my "That is what I want to do" moment. I wanted to do this to help people, I wanted to change lives. Halfway through my second semester, I fell into a depression from stress caused by different things going on in my life at the time. I just didn't have the motivation to write that research paper and it unraveled from there. Why did I need to write ANOTHER research paper? I already proved I could do that in high school. What did writing research papers have to do with bettering others lives through fitness? In fact what did any of these core classes have to do with that? I didn't need to find x to teach someone an exercise, I took speech as a freshman in high school and passed with flying colors. I just wanted to do the classes for my major, that's what I was interested in, that's why I was there. Were all these extra classes really necessary? I was done. I quit going to math; I wasn't going to pass anyway, why waste my time? I worked with a tutor, and when I was sitting with him I did great. I understood it, I could do it, and correctly at that. When it came time to take my midterm without my trusty tutor by my side, I tried it, thinking I was doing it right, and got EVERY question wrong. I failed my midterm. I'd never failed anything in my life. Who wouldn't be feeling a little defeated. I quit going to my English class, I just didn't want to do that damn research paper. I also quit going to my speech class. Why should I listen to a woman who can barely even speak english, tell me how to speak in front of people? So there went that. Sorry mom, I know you were excited about me going to college. At least I passed the three classes that I did stay in. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be, after all, I don't even have to motivation to work out myself, how can I motivate someone else to do it. I sure as heck don't want to be a hypocrite.
Sometimes I feel like I should move to California and try my hand at acting. I think I'd be good at it; although I've never actually done it, not even a school play. I still think I'd be good at it though. I think I would've been a good Katniss Everdeen. If I ever got the opportunity, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
Then sometimes I think I should move to Nashville, pick up my guitar and grab a hold of that dream again. The only problem is that I'm what you would call a "chicken-s***." I held onto that dream since I was little and was too scared to ever do anything to make it happen. I had a chance to try out for a reality singing competition when I was in Nashville, but wouldn't do it. Heck, American Idol came to Joplin and I didn't even do that. To be fair though, I had a sinus infection when American Idol came through town. What would it have hurt though?
Maybe that's my problem. Maybe I'm too afraid of failure to try to go after anything, so I just stay in the comfort and safety of home.
Why can't I have it all figured out like some people?
I wonder if it all just comes down to motivation. Up until three years ago, the only thing I ever wanted to do was sing. I had the drive, the inspiration, the desire. Why did that have to go away?
Maybe I'll just go and get my core classes done and I'll figure it out somewhere along the way.
The only thing I know is that, whether it was with music or fitness, I just wanted to change someone's life, make a difference. Even if it was just a small one.
At the end of the day, I just want to be someone my family can be proud of, someone my nieces and future children can look up to...set a positive example.
Here's a thought: maybe I should go into creative writing.. ha!
